BABIES

perfect

(Source: thegoldinmypocket)

“Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat”

Anais Nin 

catatonic. I am still ignorant of what will liberate me from the inevitable consequences of my own afflictions. daddy issues. I believe this is my transitional period. the jealousy I battle with and the constant questioning of my self worth. the fleeting satisfaction I gain from the mistreatment I endure, as I search for the approval I’ve been denied from him in every other man I come across. but please, don’t flatter yourself too much my darlings. its not about you - it’s all about me (surely you can’t be too ignorant of this, I am a narcissist after all). when this is over I will have grown, and you will just be left with a litany of regrets. I am sure of it.

- December

nineteen. one of my soul mates advised me against the playing of games, in favour of honesty and truth. so, voila! a letter of confessions.

Dearest Strangers,

I’ve been severing my abused loyalties one at a time. I am resigning from your lives - we’re probably not going to speak anymore.

(Lo-lee-ta)

In an ideal world I’d leave all the disloyal ones little farewell sweets on their fickle pillows as a parting gift. Tiny candies laced with nostalgia. A bitter-sweet gesture. Or perhaps I’d stain my lips scarlett red, pronouncing my pornographic pout - before softly marking their white, capricious cheeks with my own Judas kiss. Photographing it as a souvenir, naturally. As the mark fades so will I, but my scent would linger with them for some time. My own romantic alternative to a farewell fuck. However, this is far from an ideal world.

Yet despite all this shared bravado from mislaid friendships and disconnected lovers, I cradle no regret and no hatred, because this is just the beginning of new transitions for me. The year of insanity is coming to a close. Fates tests and lessons. I am not blameless! But I refuse to apologise for my devotion to those with whom I believed I had forged affinities. You see, I often look for bonds of blood, as I have never experienced any with my kin. Naive perhaps, often foolish but always hopeful.

Ultimately it would be incorrect of you to confuse my loyalty with love, but only because my definition of love varies to most others - I simply have an overwhelming capacity for it. I’d happily fall in love with everyone I met if the consequences were not so disastrous.

So my sweet strangers, I would have forgiven you all for your treacheries had your apologies been forthcoming and reigned true - but the tragedy lies in the truth that you were all too preoccupied in your own self indulgence to realise what you were surrendering. Classic examples of kindness and generosity being taken for granted, and pride making a mockery of my loyalty. I hope one day hindsight and perhaps karma presents your mistakes to you under a harsh white light. I believe I’ve already learnt from mine.

Yours Regretfully,

A

(I still hope you find what you’re all searching for)

giving up the ghost.

farewell to every judas. forgiveness is no longer my forte, just fanciful, fickle fuck you’s.